The Longest Wait

Often, I’m able to write about the topics I find difficult to talk about. Maybe it’s because it’s easier to put my thoughts into words. Or maybe it’s because I prefer a delayed, distant response rather than an immediate and personal one.

For quite some time, there’s been something on my mind that I’ve been scared to share with my closest friends and family out of fear of being viewed as selfish or insensitive.

But I’m starting to think I’m not the only one that’s feeling the way I do, and that for the sake of those others, it’s important to establish a safe and healthy place for us to talk about what we’re thinking and feeling.

That “something” I’m referring to is the constant struggle, both emotional and physical, in the process of trying to conceive—the longest wait some of us will ever have to endure for what may or may not happen in the end.

Like so many others, I’m at that age where the baby announcements are coming out by the dozen, whether it be from family members, friends or co-workers. I know it’s my job to be supportive and to celebrate those exciting milestones in the lives of the people I care about most.

Yet, sometimes, all I want to do is curl up in a ball, shut the door (literally) and cry for a few hours. And there are times where I wish I had someone beside me, who understood exactly where I was coming from, who could cry with me too.

Ninety five per cent of the time, I’m overjoyed to visit with the precious little ones in my life, to watch them grow and learn and become awesome little people, but that other five per cent, I’m left with a profound and guilty sadness I can’t explain.

When I’m having a crappy day, I love nothing more than to see an adorable baby photo, showing an ever-changing little face. At the same time, when I see these photos from friends and family, I can’t help but feel a bit down and wonder, “What would it be like to have one of my own?”

I realize there’s another side to the fence. I know I should be enjoying all the things and activities I won’t be able to appreciate as much when or if I become pregnant, and more importantly, when I become a parent (i.e.: travelling, sleeping in, alcoholic beverages, certain foods, endless free time, etc.).

And that’s exactly what I’ve been doing—enjoying life in the present. But now, I finally feel like it’s OK for me to be honest with that other, less flattering side of myself.

To conclude, I’d like to share a quote that resonates with me, and that I think we can all aspire to:

Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Be kind. Always.

– Anonymous

kindness